


Nowhere to Return

by LizChris



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Implied Slash, Isolation, M/M, Panic Attacks, Protective Castiel (Supernatural), Protective Sam Winchester, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-02 10:47:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19197238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizChris/pseuds/LizChris
Summary: The chilling wind cut through his clothes like knives. Blood and sweat soaked through what was left of his shirt, making his muscles clench and ache as he continues to run through the seemingly never ending forest. He stumbles over a tree branch, struggling to regain his footing as he picks up sprinting again, scared to slow his pace and risk hypothermia. The freezing December weather leaves his bones stiff, almost creaking with the effort to continue moving. He wonders--not for the first time--why he had been so stubborn to leave without his winter jacket.





	Nowhere to Return

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!  
> This is my first time writing a fic in this fandom. Comments and criticism is welcome. Hope you enjoy!

The chilling wind cut through his clothes like knives. Blood and sweat soaked through what was left of his shirt, making his muscles clench and ache as he continues to run through the seemingly never ending forest. He stumbles over a tree branch, struggling to regain his footing as he picks up sprinting again, scared to slow his pace and risk hypothermia. The freezing December weather leaves his bones stiff, almost creaking with the effort to continue moving. He wonders--not for the first time--why he had been so stubborn to leave without his winter jacket. He rubs his arms with an effort to keep the blood moving, afraid of the damage to come from his unresponsive fingers. 

_ " _ _ You're taking another case?" _

 

_ "Yeah, I found something down in Minnesota, think it might be our kind of job." _

 

_ "Are you serious? We just wrapped one up. One--mind you--that you nearly died on!" _

 

_ "What's the problem? We find cases and we work them. Since when has a job ever gone our way? I think your starting to get paranoid, it was barely a scratch." _

 

_ "A scratch!? Dean--for fucks sake--that 'scratch' just barely missed cutting straight through your liver. You're still bleeding!" _

 

_ "I'm fine, I've wrapped it up already. Seriously, you're overreacting, I'll have plenty of time to rest up on the drive there. Are you coming?" _

 

_ "No, I'm not. Cause unlike you, I actually care if I live to make it to tomorrow." _

 

_ "You're so dramatic. You really need to learn to relax." _

 

_ "Right, cause I'm the one having trouble taking a break." _

 

_ "Whatever, I'm heading out. It's a ways out, so I probably won't be back for about a week." _

 

_ "Yeah, if you don't bleed out on the way there." _

 

_ "Don't get your panties in a twist Samantha, it's just a basic salt and burn. And I'm not bleeding out, that thing barely grazed me. I've definitely had much worse." _

 

_ "Whatever you say...Hey Dean?" _

 

_ "Yeah?" _

 

_ "I know things didn't--I mean--but you don't need to--" _

 

_ "Sam" _

 

_ "I'm just trying to say--you're always taking life so fast, sometimes you just need to slow down a little." _

  
  


Grabbing onto an extended branch, he comes to an abrupt stop, cursing as he nearly ran straight into the rapid water in front of him. Now taking a moment to assess, he can hear the obvious blaring voice of the raging stream; splashing fiercely as it comes in contact with a particularly jagged rock visible above the surface. Right where his distorted head displays in his reflection.

 

"Shit", His throat is rough, making his voice come out as a strained whisper, instantly evaporating in the ever present whistling of the wind.

 

_ "What the fuck is wrong with you!?" _

 

_ "What's your problem?" _

 

_ "You! You're my problem!" _

 

_ "You have such a way with words. Poetic, really." _

 

_ "Stow your shit! I've seriously had it with you and your suicidal tendencies--" _

 

_ "--I don't have--" _

 

_ "--Continuing to get in the way of the hunt! I get that you're--" _

 

_ "Don't." _

 

_ "Dean!" _

 

_ "I'm not talking about this with you. Not now." _

 

_ "Then when, Dean! Because im not always going to be there to save you when you decide it's not worth the effort to avoid getting shot, or stabbed, or--" _

 

_ "Hey! Easy there, I'm going to be fine." _

 

_ "I'm serious, Dean, you almost died!" _

 

_ "So am I. I'm not going to die, I promise you that. Who else would be there to look after your stupid ass." _

 

_ "Dean--" _

 

_ "I promise I'll be more careful, okay?" _

 

_ "You better, I can't lose anyone else Dean, not after--not after we finally got it all back." _

 

_ After I got you back _

 

_ "I know Sammy, I'm sorry." _

 

_ I'm sorry I'm not the same person you thought I was. I'm sorry I'm not as strong as I should be. _

 

_ "Come on, we better get out of here. You're definitely going to need stitches, and I'll need to look at your head, make sure you're not concussed, and I need to treat--" _

 

_ "Yeah, I got it mom." _

 

_ "You're such a jerk." _

 

_ "Bitch." _

  
  


He hastily pushes his thoughts aside as he turns and resumes his pace through the trees.

 

Or, he attempts to.

 

His abrupt movement only causing his muscles to tense up and spasm in protest, making him lose his balance. He twists his body to try and angle himself to relieve the oncoming damage to his chest wounds. Although, the prompt twist of his leg only leads to him tripping over is feet, landing flat on his face in the snow.

 

In an instant, the cold recedes, leaving only a blinding heat to course through his blood. As if a fire had been lit inside his intestines, burning him from the inside, while his body freezes, consumed by the frigid wrath of the winter weather. He screams, although the sound is swallowed up by the furious wind storm. His vision swims as he struggles to control his breathing to a regular rate.

 

_ "Sit." _

 

_ "What?" _

 

_ "Were talking about this. Right now." _

 

_ "Talking about what?" _

 

_ "You know what." _

 

_ "Listen, as much as I'd love to play twenty questions with you, I just got back from a hunt. I drove all night, and I'm exhausted--" _

 

_ "You broke our promise." _

 

_ "What? Sam, listen, I've been driving for ten hours and--" _

 

_ "You promised me that you were going to start looking out for yourself, start prioritizing your own well being. You told me you would stop making impulsive, reckless decisions that could get yourself killed." _

 

_ "Yeah, and I have been. Do I look dead to you?" _

 

_ "How'd the hunt go?" _

 

_ "Really, are we seriously going to talk about this now? Can't this wait till later, when I'm--" _

 

_ "No, were doing this now. How was the hunt, Dean?" _

 

_ "It went fine, if you really need to know. Jody helped me track the nest of vamps, had it taken care of in two hours flat. That's it, not much to it." _

 

_ "Two hours to take out a whole nest? There must have been what? Ten? Twenty vampires congregating in the one spot?" _

 

_ "There were eight. It was just a small nest, most of them were pretty young. None of them were ready to fight, especially against a hunter. Nothing I couldn't handle." _

 

_ "Right, but to take on that many at once, on your own? There's no way you could storm in and take them out. You would need to spend a couple days stalking out the place, figuring out their schedules, to try and subdue as many individuals as you can before you take out the nest." _

 

_ "Yeah, well, I knew I could handle it. It was an easy fight, most of them were too scared to fight back." _

 

_ "Really?" _

 

_ "Yes." _

 

_ "A group of vampires let you storm their nest, and didn't raise a single finger to fight as you slaughtered them all?" _

 

_ "Sam--" _

 

_ "Jody called me." _

 

_ "Did she?" _

 

_ "Yeah, she had a slightly different story of what happened." _

 

_ "What--" _

 

_ "She told me how the minute you found the nest you didn't spend any time scoping it out. She told me all you grabbed was your machete and stormed in, antagonizing them to fight you." _

 

_ "Well, I'm nothing if not bold." _

 

_ "Jody also told me that after taking out a couple of them, they had you pinned down, ready to kill you. That if she hadn't stepped in you would have been killed on the spot!" _

 

_ "That's really all just semantics--" _

 

_ "Dean! Listen to yourself for one second!" _

 

_ "Look, I got the job done. Plain and simple. Dont try and make this into a big deal." _

 

_ "Dean--" _

 

_ "It's done. I'm going to bed." _

  
  
  


_ "What if I had done that?" _

 

_ "What did you say?" _

 

_ "What if I stormed a nest alone, and barely managed to come out alive? If I was continuously jumping into hunt after hunt, without taking a moment to breathe in between? If I was constantly having a brush with death? Wouldn't you care?!" _

 

_ "Of course I would!" _

 

_ "Then why are you acting like it's insane that I actually give a crap!" _

 

_ "Because--Because this is different." _

 

_ "How could this possibly be any different?!" _

 

_ Because you're more important! Because you're the smart one! The one who should be protected from all the bullshit this world has to offer! Because I'm already gone. There's nothing left to be saved! _

 

_ "Because, it just is." _

 

_ "Dean, we need to talk about this. Please, if not for me, then do this for yourself." _

 

_ "Sam, I already told you--" _

 

_ "--That you can't talk about it now? Well, guess what? Now seems to be all we've got! Cause every time you go out on a hunt I'm always left wondering if that's the last time I'll ever see you!" _

 

_ "I'm not going to die." _

 

_ "Why can't you just talk to me? This is obviously hurting you if your letting it seep into the hunts. Dean, I've tried giving you space, but obviously this isn't something you can do on your own, so you need to let me in." _

 

_ "I was right, you don't need a fancy Harvard diploma to become a great lawyer. You really have a natural talent for arguing and prying where it should be left alone." _

 

_ "Dean--" _

 

_ "What, Sam? What do you want me to say? You want me to say that I'm an idiot? That I made a mistake? That I'll handle it better next time?" _

 

_ "I want you to be honest with me! For once, I don't want a sarcastic reply, or you deflecting. I want you to be real with me for once!" _

 

_ "You want me to be honest?" _

 

_ "Yes!" _

 

_ "Fine. Why dont I start by telling you what a fuck up I've become!" _

 

_ "What--" _

 

_ "You want me to be honest, the reason I keep jumping into hunt after hunt? It's because it's the only time I can feel like I'm doing something with my life, helping people. Not just sitting around disappointing you--and Cas! It's the only time I can feel anything real! That I can still do something other than hurt and let down the people who rely on me! And I know, that's all I seem to be able to do lately, and that you can't stand to even be around me anymore. That it would be better for everyone if I wasn't here anymore--" _

 

_ "Hold on--" _

 

_ "All I seem to be doing is putting you in danger--and--I hate myself for it--I hate that you have to see this--and I--I cant--I need to feel somethi-ng--and I know t-his is what I des-erve afte-r--" _

 

_ "Breathe Dean!" _

 

_ "I-I-I ca-nt--im so so--rry--I cant ev--en--" _

 

_ "Hey, Dean, it's okay. You're okay, you have nothing to be sorry for. I just need you to focus on breathing right now." _

 

_ "I-I--can-t--" _

 

_ "You can, I know you can. Were going to do this together, okay? You can do this, just breathe with me." _

 

_ "O--kay." _

 

_ "Alright, your going to breathe in through your nose and hold it for three seconds. Then were going to exhale for five seconds. Okay, breathe with me. In. One. Two. Three. _

 

_ "And out. Two. Three. Four. Five. _

 

_ "You're doing great, Dee. One more time for me, okay? In--" _

  
  


_ One _

 

_ Two _

 

_ Three _

  
  


He succeeds to manage shallow, quick breaths in unsteady intervals; as the pain eventually dwindles into the numb he was quickly becoming accustomed to. He tries to focus on forcing his eyes open, knowing that if he were to pass out, he wouldn't survive through the storm. 

 

_ 'Either freeze to death, or bleed out' _ , He thinks bleakly.

 

When he knows that he has fortunately escaped unconsciousness, he attempts to move his arms. Only managing to briefly lift his right arm before it unceremoniously flops back into the snow. He didn't feel the impact.

 

_ 'Probably not a good sign.' _

 

He slightly cocked his head to the right to get a glimpse of his arm. He stares at his sickly pale skin, lacking any blood flow, starting to turn blue on his fingertips. Hand frozen completely stiff.

 

_ 'So much for avoiding hypothermia' _

 

He checks his other arm, only to find it in a similar state. Deciding to change tactics, he endeavors to lift his legs instead, trying to bend his knees to find his footing. 

 

After a few attempts, he manages to use his legs to curl onto his side, letting out a stuttering breath as the weight on his chest is lifted. Giving his lungs a moment to catch up, he forces his attention towards keeping his vision in focus as the unforgiving wind whips snow harshly onto his face.

 

_ "Hello Dean." _

 

_ "Sam send you after me?" _

 

_ "He seemed very concerned, last I spoke with him." _

 

_ "Figures--" _

 

_ "--However, he did not ask me to find you. I gather he understands that you will speak with him when you feel comfortable." _

 

_ "Yeah, well, I don't see that happening." _

 

_ "I believe you are misinterpreting his intentions. He does not expect you to overcome the trauma you have been subjected to immediately. He merely wishes to be an outlet for you to talk to, so you may begin healing." _

 

_ "Thanks for the pep talk, Dr. Phil. But I don't think talking about my feelings will change anything. There's too much wrong with me to ever get better--let alone fixed. It's a lost cause, so you and Sam should just leave it alone" _

 

_ "Dean, you know we can't and won't do that." _

 

_ "Yeah and whys that? Why the hell should you care how I'm feeling?" _

 

_ "Because, I'm your friend; and I refuse to watch you destroy yourself because you're too afraid to ask for help." _

 

_ "I am not afraid of him! What he did...it messed me up, sure; but I'm not scared. I've been to hell and back, tortured by demons and angel's alike. What that bastard did to me doesn't even rank in the top ten." _

 

_ "Dean, it's okay to not be alright. No one expects you to be after what Michael--" _

 

_ "Don't! Just don't....don't." _

 

_ "My apologies. What happened to you while possessed is not something you can just, 'walk off', as you say. I understand first hand, that what happened to me when I said yes to Lucifer, was nothing short of a never ending nightmare. One that you are unable to wake from or take back any semblance of control. It was maddening, to see him use my body to hurt so many innocents. To see him try and kill you and Sam--and I was barely able to stop him. Believe me when I say that I understand that the nightmares do not cease; and that you will constantly be questioning the legitimacy of your reality. That took me a lot of time to move on from." _

 

_ "I'm sorry. I--We should have been there for you, shouldn't have let you think you needed to get to that point to be useful. Shouldn't have let him possess you at all. God, Cas, I'm so sorry." _

 

_ "Though I appreciate the concern, I do not need your sorrow. I have had much time to come to terms with the circumstances and had appropriate time to move past it." _

 

_ "How? How do I move on from it, after everything I've seen him do with my own hands?" _

 

_ "I never said it was easy. There were many times when I would wonder why I had lived. After everything I have done, why was I the one who deserved to be saved?" _

 

_ "You didn't do it. Lucifer did." _

 

_ "I know that now. It was you who helped me understand that." _

 

_ "What?" _

 

_ "Oh, Dean. It was you who taught me the importance of family. That in times of uncertainty and doubt, all you can rely on is family. Through the strongest bonds, you may begin to let go of all the burdens that hold you down. I have learned to trust you and Sam. I trust you both with everything; and I know that it is reciprocated. That is what has kept me sane through it all, the one consistently that I can always rely on. Family." _

 

_ "I know that. But--" _

 

_ "You know that there is nothing you can tell us that would make us leave." _

 

_ "I'm not so sure anymore that there's anything left worth staying for." _

 

_ "Dean, you know that's not true." _

 

_ "Look at me! I'm damaged and--" _

 

_ "Dean Winchester, you are so many things, but damaged is not one of them. When I look at your soul, I see nothing but righteousness-- _

 

_ "--Ha!--" _

 

_ "--And resilience. You are the strongest person I know." _

 

_ "Well, I always was a perfect little soldier." _

 

_ "You are so much more than a mindless and emotionless killing machine. You are compassionate. Always willing to go out of your way for others, even a complete stranger. You are loyal to your cause, never wavering. Once you are set on something, no one can stop you from achieving the impossible. It is truly a sight that I am always blessed to bare witness to." _

 

_ "Cas. I'm not--" _

 

_ "--Even after all of the many hardships you have been through, your soul still shines so bright. The most beautiful I have ever seen." _

 

_ "Cas..." _

 

_ "I trust you with both my life and my soul. I know, that as long as you have it, I will always be protected. Now, you need to let me do the same for you." _

 

_ "Cas, I can't." _

 

_ "You can. I promise, I have you." _

 

_ "I d-don't know--" _

 

_ "Tell me what you want, what you need; and I promise I will do everything in my power to help." _

 

_ "I w-want it to all st-op. I'm s-so tir-ed of being a-alone." _

 

_ "You are not alone. Hush now, beloved. You are safe." _

 

_ "P-Please don't l-leave m-me. S-Stay." _

 

_ "I'm not going anywhere, dearheart. I will always be by your side. You have all the time you need, I will not leave you." _

 

Cold.

 

All he can recognize is the familiar feeling of being completely encompassed in a blanket of ice. The burning of the snow begins to cease as nothing but the sounds of his slowing heartbeat fill his senses. He focuses on it instead of his blurring eyesight, deciding to let his eyes close. Giving in to the sweet sensation of sleep. 

 

He has felt this before, the sensations of leaving himself. Drifting away from his own body. The feeling of dying.

 

Except, this time is different. For the first time, he is utterly and completely alone. No one here to witness his shortcomings and failures. No one here to cry for him and reassure his safety. No one to save him. He is--

 

_ 'You're my big brother. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you.' _

 

_ 'I thought you said that we were like family?' _

 

_ 'I believe in us, Dean. Why dont you believe in us too?' _

 

_ 'I'm hunted. I've rebelled. And I did it, all of it, for you. And you failed.' _

 

_ 'You didn't want to be alone. And that's what this all boils down to. You can't stand the thought of being alone.' _

 

_ 'If the situation were reversed and I was dying. You would do the same thing.' _

 

_ 'No, Dean, I wouldn't.' _

 

_ 'Did you look for me?' _

 

_ 'Everybody leaves you Dean, you noticed? Ever ask yourself why? Maybe it's not them. Maybe, it's you.' _

 

_ 'Castiel, he's dead. All the way dead. Because of you.' _

 

Alone.

 

His eyes snap open as he struggles to catch his breath. In his panic he tries to scream out, for anyone to help him. Although, he can't get the words out through the clatter of his teeth. He focuses completely on the losing battle of keeping his eyelids open

 

In his moment of reprise, he's scared. Scared of the unknown.

 

_ 'What will happen to Sammy if I'm not there to look after him?' _

 

_ 'Who will be there to remind Cas he's so much more than a weapon?' _

 

_ 'Am I going back to hell?' _

 

_ 'Would anyone care?' _

 

Then there's nothing. Only a void of darkness with an absence of light. Empty. The place feels so achingly familiar, yet he cannot place why. The anxiety of the unknown starts to seep in as he starts frantically searching his memory; unable to understand why he is so terrified. 

 

His thoughts abruptly stop when he hears an echo, as it reverberates in his ears. The icy tone of his own voice. Although, too devoid of any feeling to ever really be his own. He feels nothing but pure dread and fear as he registers the words.

  
  
  


"Welcome home, Dean."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
